Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Ms. Eva ... on pub night blackouts

"The night started with a shot and ended with my deflated ass smelling like Jaeger, so go figure.

"I'd been to this particular bar before, but this week was different. There was a sexual musk in the air and I'd be damned if wasn't already three sheets to the wind before I even stepped in the door.

"Luckily, me and the Irish bouncer had done some bouncing of our own back in the day, so he let my slurred cuss words and promiscuous prancing go unnoticed as he slipped me in the side.

"That's seriously the last thing I remember this sexy little minx of a sheep doing. The rest is a blur of singing, hoof clapping and a weird memory that I have of staring down at the floor while some chap inspected my oil tank for leaks.

"Then things got really weird. I was blacked out on Jameson and Jaeger, but I still have this grainy series of images in my head of flying about a dark room while co-eds grabbed at my utter and kissed me with mouths I surely hope they washed before kissing anyone they held near and dear. I say this because the gift my kisses give is the one that keeps on giving ... for life.

"Anyway, I awoke with a start and had to blow myself back into shape. Hey, not like that."

Turn of events: Body shots

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Ms. Eva is for ... office related inebriation

It's been a while, but Ms. Eva is most certainly back in town and NOT dead of a sexually transmitted disease. Oh sure, she has plenty of STDs, but none that can kill you, especially not if you happen to be a latex rubber inflatable sheep. With makeup. And a beauty mark. And a glory hole.

For those who might be interested, Ms. Eva is venturing back out into the wilds of awkward office gatherings to say things she can't take back to the people she cares about most. She hopes to make out with no less than 6 office working co-eds, a donkey, a men's room urinal and of course an upside down barstool. It's all happening at the Burren tomorrow night, and everyone with an open mind and an open fly is invited to attend.

Yes, that includes you Mr. Cornell. You sexy bitch.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Ms. Eva ... on college rugby teams

"Ok, I'll be the first to admit, I have a soft spot for college rugby teams.

"Those tight little shorts, those striped long sleeved jerseys damp with naked inhibition and stained with mud and grass ... it's enough to make an inflatable sheep lose control.

"In all honesty that's probably why I let myself go so badly with those hunks from Stonehill College the other night. I let them toss me around their dorm like some meat puppet before they did body shots off my utter.

"Before I knew it I was so hopped up on grass and Scotch that I was hungrily huffing down fumes from some spray can while the boys cheered me on with tantalizing chants from the olden days of Stonehill. Believe you me it was fantastic, because those glory day songs had my glory hole in a tizzy that all the rams in New Zealand couldn't have tamed.

"No, my thirst that fine night was one that could have been quenched only by scrums, rucks, mauls, hookers, tight head props and flankers. And quenched it was, so much so that before I knew it my virgin white mane had been spray painted an awful shade of black and I found myself stumbling through some other dorm in a drunken stupor. It was, quite simply, superb.

"And don't ask about the stupid bra, because this free swinging latex sheep never wears them. This was a special occasion however, and those boys could have made me bark like a little dog if they wanted to.

"On second thought, maybe they did..."

-- Ms. Eva, 10 November 2005

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ms. Eva … on babies

“There’s just something special about babies, and I don’t mean the fact that they’re incapable of coherent speech and therefore are unable to tell mommy what daddy was doing to me when she left the room to get a bottle.

“No, it’s something much more sacred than that, something only a priest and his stable of naïve, green-eared altar boys could understand.

“It’s about innocence and unabashed self-gratification; about sitting in soiled diapers and loving every warm, squishy minute of it.

“Yes, babies are wonderful gifts unto the world, which is why I let that man fool me with his little pink costume and give me the good rogering I so richly deserved.”

- Ms. Eva, 9 November 2005

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

No words to describe this... I'm done drinking

Monday, November 07, 2005

Ms. Eva is for ... the kids

Editor's Note: Part one of an occasionally weekly column chronicling the wiles of Ms. Eva.

NEW YORK CITY -- Poor Ms. Eva.

This weekend she was approached by many a young child whilst on her seasonal jaunt through the fiery autumn colors and occasional to-the-death hobo fight that is Central Park, and more than once those children were ripped away prematurely before the doe-eyed barnyard beauty Ms. Eva could bestow her love and affection on their innocent virgin faces.

Ms. Eva, expectedly, was torn by the behavior of the parents who whisked away their inquisitive offspring, but even she could not bring herself to blame them directly for the hurt she had incurred on her stroll through the historic, beer scented commons.

"Of course I can understand where they are coming from. This is an uptight liberal bastion of the Northeast after all, so I had no illusions about how an alternative lifestyle diva such as myself would be treated."

Ms. Eva was persistent in her belief that an inflatable quasi-anatomically correct sheep was exactly what America's children needed this winter. She pointed out that barnyard animals are a fascination of millions of Midwestern children and their parents, even those with false eyelashes, beauty marks and "adulterous seduction red" shaded lipstick.

"And I also speak fluent French," Ms. Eva contended. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"

Ms. Eva continued, saying: "If parents would simply let their 6- and 7-year-olds grow up a little and get to know me, then I promise they will be getting to know themselves much better, and that's just good parenting across the board."

However, Ms. Eva could not hold her steely resolve, and later lashed out at rocker Chris Cornell, who had been seen browsing an outdoor booksale while conversing with Ms. Eva earlier in the day. The two had been linked in the tabloids for a brief relationship when the singer had been with his old band Soundgarden. The track "Jesus Christ Pose" was heavily rumored to be in reference to some strange sexual practice perfected by Ms. Eva, although that has never been confirmed by either party.

Ms. Eva vehemently denied any Central Park trist had occurred between the two that morning.

"What rubbish, Chris is a sweetie... but the man has an obvious addiction to wool between the sheets, and I'm not certainly not talking about Afghans," she said.

Ms. Eva had given the exclusive interview from a makeup chair at Polly's 42nd and 8th Animal Boutique, where she had retired after her day in Central Park had resulted in smeared lipstick and melted mascara. "I kissed far too many transvestites for my own good today," Ms Eva said. "For some reason they flocked to me like, well, trasnvestites to a hot, inflatable sheep and my face simply failed me in the field."

No word yet on where Ms. Eva will be spotted next. Developing...

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Ms. Eva and the City

Spent a little time in Central Park this weekend, getting ready for the Marathon tomorrow!

Ms. Eva and Chris Cornell

I ran into Chris Cornell while he was doing a photo shoot in Manhattan... he's the one in the back in the tan trenchcoat, pretending not to stare at my tail. The photographers were taking pictures of him browsing through books. His body guard wouldn't leave us alone long enough to really get to really rekindle our old romance. He looked a lot better back when we were together.