Monday, November 07, 2005

Ms. Eva is for ... the kids

Editor's Note: Part one of an occasionally weekly column chronicling the wiles of Ms. Eva.

NEW YORK CITY -- Poor Ms. Eva.

This weekend she was approached by many a young child whilst on her seasonal jaunt through the fiery autumn colors and occasional to-the-death hobo fight that is Central Park, and more than once those children were ripped away prematurely before the doe-eyed barnyard beauty Ms. Eva could bestow her love and affection on their innocent virgin faces.

Ms. Eva, expectedly, was torn by the behavior of the parents who whisked away their inquisitive offspring, but even she could not bring herself to blame them directly for the hurt she had incurred on her stroll through the historic, beer scented commons.

"Of course I can understand where they are coming from. This is an uptight liberal bastion of the Northeast after all, so I had no illusions about how an alternative lifestyle diva such as myself would be treated."

Ms. Eva was persistent in her belief that an inflatable quasi-anatomically correct sheep was exactly what America's children needed this winter. She pointed out that barnyard animals are a fascination of millions of Midwestern children and their parents, even those with false eyelashes, beauty marks and "adulterous seduction red" shaded lipstick.

"And I also speak fluent French," Ms. Eva contended. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"

Ms. Eva continued, saying: "If parents would simply let their 6- and 7-year-olds grow up a little and get to know me, then I promise they will be getting to know themselves much better, and that's just good parenting across the board."

However, Ms. Eva could not hold her steely resolve, and later lashed out at rocker Chris Cornell, who had been seen browsing an outdoor booksale while conversing with Ms. Eva earlier in the day. The two had been linked in the tabloids for a brief relationship when the singer had been with his old band Soundgarden. The track "Jesus Christ Pose" was heavily rumored to be in reference to some strange sexual practice perfected by Ms. Eva, although that has never been confirmed by either party.

Ms. Eva vehemently denied any Central Park trist had occurred between the two that morning.

"What rubbish, Chris is a sweetie... but the man has an obvious addiction to wool between the sheets, and I'm not certainly not talking about Afghans," she said.

Ms. Eva had given the exclusive interview from a makeup chair at Polly's 42nd and 8th Animal Boutique, where she had retired after her day in Central Park had resulted in smeared lipstick and melted mascara. "I kissed far too many transvestites for my own good today," Ms Eva said. "For some reason they flocked to me like, well, trasnvestites to a hot, inflatable sheep and my face simply failed me in the field."

No word yet on where Ms. Eva will be spotted next. Developing...

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